Maybe I smelled?
Today is a very exciting day for The #CW…..we have our first ever GUEST BLOGGER!! AND, this guest blogger is a MALE which is even more thrilling. I was hesitant to reveal the CW to this person at first, due to much of the posting being geared towards the female population, sorry I’m not sorry. But as we decided Tuesday that we are close confidants, (which is #obvi what happens when you discover you both love The Voice) I took a leap of faith and sent over the link. Not only was zee blog well received, he decided that he would like to guest post with us, until he starts a fabulous one of his own that is. I was uber impressed when he sent over his first entry bright and early this AM….which was most likely wrote at 6:30 AM, while most of you (me included) were still asleep. He ALSO is a new member at Cross Fit SOLACE (the “oh so fancy” new cross fit NYC gym), frequents the 5 AM LIKE A BOSS, and wait for it…is single! I’ll be taking resumes should you decide you’d like to go on a date with him after this post. Eat your heart out ladies..
When I made the coast to coast move, no, I didn’t have a Dorothy moment. I largely knew what to expect: less fog and more horrid accents. Inevitably, there were a few things that did catch me by surprise: a bizarre emphasis on black clothing, infatuation with abbreviations, and brunch. I’ve done my best to fend off these NYC-isms; I wear obnoxiously loud frat-tanks to the gym, I never refer to my home state as “Cali” or to the LES as “the LES,” and I’ve stopped eating breakfast and lunch altogether. Okay, so maybe this place has exerted some small amount of influence on my identity.
But one thing I will NEVER accept as true: living here is a green light to forsaking any semblance of manners. Of those whom ascribe to this mentality, Ladies of NYC, you are the main perps.
We find ourselves crossing paths every day on the street, you and me. You, walking toward me in one of the following fashions: head down glued to your Instagram feed of indulgent foods, head turned in conversation with your bestie (I likely overhear your recently adjusted goal-weight or I hear your prescribed waiting period between texts), or looking straight at me with a face that screams “and none for Gretchen Weiners.” I, of course, move out of your way because I was raised by a Mother who sports an iron-fist and because chivalry really isn’t dead despite what New Yorkers believe. But I oft wonder if you realize that IF I don’t move, you likely find yourself in a world of hurt on the sidewalk.
Don’t be alarmed. I will continue to move out of your way, but there are two things that I behoove you to take away from this:
- It’s a guessing game but based on how narrow a gap I leave between our passing, you can tell either a.) how bitchy I think you are or b.) how attractive I find you. Extremely bitchy or extremely attractive, I’m damn near running into you. Bitchy because hopefully a close encounter makes you re-think your agro walking, attractive because I want you to look up from your phone and evaluate my offering.
- I, like JGL, don’t think your gender should define you. But if you are comfortable with the mutual understanding we have come to (that I will move out of your way), flash me some pearly whites or at least change that look you’re giving me to a “you go Glen Coco” look instead.
Dudley Do Wrong
I mean what if they had chosen Summit, New Jersey instead of Laguna Beach to film the show. Could I have been this lucky???? And now she has a beautiful LA Penthouse + closet, for doing ABSOLUTELY NOTHING. Actually I take that back, KCavs has done absolutely nothing, LC actually has worked for it, but she would have never been able to do anything if she was SANZ Laguna Beach. Freaking gDAMIT.